the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
