I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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