Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
