Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
