I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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