i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
