You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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