I'm sorry my penis didn't work
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
did i just pee glitter
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
