My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
