Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
