:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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