just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
They should really pass out barf bags in church
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize