then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
