If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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