Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
