You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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