Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize