Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
