i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
