oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
