this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
