On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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