Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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