How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
