Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
