I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
