Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
