I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
