god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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