and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
