so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
