Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
