I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
