Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
