he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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