I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I touched a dick in church today
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
