I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
