theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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