Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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