Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
