apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
