You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
