The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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