i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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