i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
