I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
