Your mouth is God's brothel.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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