Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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