I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
