You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
