Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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