hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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