so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
