I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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