y did u give ur computer a hand job?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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