i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
