i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
