I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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