my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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