Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I look better un-naked...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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