I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
