You really coming over, don't trick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
