Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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