i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
