I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
