So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I still have a little drunk in my system
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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